Deametrus was a bullfrog with an attitude. He stayed up all night making bullfrog noises. Every one in the swamp and the surrounding area knew Deametrus. Many female frogs called him ‘Dirty Deametrus’ or worse because he was quite the lech. Lech being short for lecherous, neither you nor I have all day.
Most any day of the week you could catch Deametrus on the beach in the roots of an old willow tree catching bugs and ‘checking out the chicks.’
At night he had two favorite spots, on a huge lily pad by the stream mouth, or on a pile of mud surrounded by rushes right in the middle of the swamp. He would sit all night, drinking rum and smoking fat cigars, picking up female frogs. I can’t tell the difference either. He could.
You’d think Deametrus went home alone a lot. Truth is he had progeny in every swamp, pond and stream northwest of Winnemucca. Some of them even spoke Canadian.
It just goes to show you, with bullfrogs or anyone else for that matter: attitude is everything.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The Primate Apostles
Mad Max and his primate apostles were playing a gig down at the beach at the edge of the world. They’d been playing for just over six hours and even the lion heart was beginning to wish they would stop and take a break when Max ended a drum solo with
“Right that’s enough,” he trotted out from behind his drum set shook hands with the apes, gorillas, monkeys and chimpanzees that made up the 40 piece drum only band and headed into The River Water House.
Inside he got a tall lemonade and ran into Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey.
Mad Max was happy and excited and tired: the way musicians are after a good gig. “Hey lets go play ‘Plato and Aristotle’ or something, after all that racket a bit of silence couldn’t hurt anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know; I’ll go sit on a rock and not come back until I have something to say that’s important. Or you can start--it doesn’t matter. Servant, master, student, teacher...it’s all the same. We can have The Lion Heart judge!”
Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey laughed and having nothing better to do agreed.
These games take time.
The Lion Heart reluctantly agreed to referee.
They chose a particular rock at the water's edge and Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey went first. Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey sat out there for close to three days and came back with “There are no ordinary moments.”
Mad Max made a sound like a disqualifying buzzer “Anghng! That’s plagiarism. And we all already know that: point for me.”
“No fair that was a good one.”
“Yeah but it’s not new.”
“You didn’t say it had to be new, just important.”
The Lion Heart interrupted, “No points for either of you. You can go again or let Max.”
Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey let Max go.
Max sat out there for about twenty hours then came back with “If you would know anything know self.”
“That’s not bad but it’s not a point...”
“I know: I got hungry. You go, I’m getting a bite.”
Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey sat out there for two days straight. When he came back he didn’t say anything but wrote in the sand with a stick:
‘AL(L)ONE’
Max took the stick and wrote ‘At One Ment’ then wrote ‘atonement.’ “We’re never going to score a point are we...?”
They played for six more months and no one got a point.
They play like that every now and then. Although they really enjoy it, it’s almost always pointless.
“Right that’s enough,” he trotted out from behind his drum set shook hands with the apes, gorillas, monkeys and chimpanzees that made up the 40 piece drum only band and headed into The River Water House.
Inside he got a tall lemonade and ran into Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey.
Mad Max was happy and excited and tired: the way musicians are after a good gig. “Hey lets go play ‘Plato and Aristotle’ or something, after all that racket a bit of silence couldn’t hurt anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know; I’ll go sit on a rock and not come back until I have something to say that’s important. Or you can start--it doesn’t matter. Servant, master, student, teacher...it’s all the same. We can have The Lion Heart judge!”
Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey laughed and having nothing better to do agreed.
These games take time.
The Lion Heart reluctantly agreed to referee.
They chose a particular rock at the water's edge and Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey went first. Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey sat out there for close to three days and came back with “There are no ordinary moments.”
Mad Max made a sound like a disqualifying buzzer “Anghng! That’s plagiarism. And we all already know that: point for me.”
“No fair that was a good one.”
“Yeah but it’s not new.”
“You didn’t say it had to be new, just important.”
The Lion Heart interrupted, “No points for either of you. You can go again or let Max.”
Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey let Max go.
Max sat out there for about twenty hours then came back with “If you would know anything know self.”
“That’s not bad but it’s not a point...”
“I know: I got hungry. You go, I’m getting a bite.”
Sir Wallace Aurthur Grey sat out there for two days straight. When he came back he didn’t say anything but wrote in the sand with a stick:
‘AL(L)ONE’
Max took the stick and wrote ‘At One Ment’ then wrote ‘atonement.’ “We’re never going to score a point are we...?”
They played for six more months and no one got a point.
They play like that every now and then. Although they really enjoy it, it’s almost always pointless.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Uncle Ned, Advice Of
Adolph was a Tanzanian Wanker Beast. He ate his vegetables every day and could run very fast. Thus he avoided being eaten by lions.
Many people confuse wanker beasts with wilder beasts, and then when they find out it really is wanker they point and laugh. Many wanker beasts are self-conscious because of this.
Not Adolph.
He was blessed with high self-esteem brought about by good parenting. It was in fact his father that had taken the required time it took to teach Adolph to run very fast.
One day Adolph was running around just for the heck of it, just for the fun of it, just for the sheer joy of being outside and alive, when he saw his uncle Ned.
Uncle Ned was really old. His heard fellows were teasing him by calling him “food-for-lions.” Ned figured better lions than vultures or those goofy hyenas.
“Adolph, my boy,” Adolph’s uncle Ned said. “Always remember to eat your vegetables, and watch out for Fat Eddie the rhino.”
“All I ever eat is vegetables, and Fat Eddie likes me, Uncle Ned.” That was; however, Uncle Ned’s last piece of advice.
He got munched by lions the very next day.
Many people confuse wanker beasts with wilder beasts, and then when they find out it really is wanker they point and laugh. Many wanker beasts are self-conscious because of this.
Not Adolph.
He was blessed with high self-esteem brought about by good parenting. It was in fact his father that had taken the required time it took to teach Adolph to run very fast.
One day Adolph was running around just for the heck of it, just for the fun of it, just for the sheer joy of being outside and alive, when he saw his uncle Ned.
Uncle Ned was really old. His heard fellows were teasing him by calling him “food-for-lions.” Ned figured better lions than vultures or those goofy hyenas.
“Adolph, my boy,” Adolph’s uncle Ned said. “Always remember to eat your vegetables, and watch out for Fat Eddie the rhino.”
“All I ever eat is vegetables, and Fat Eddie likes me, Uncle Ned.” That was; however, Uncle Ned’s last piece of advice.
He got munched by lions the very next day.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Matthew and Cerise
Mattidawane and Natasha Cerise whom everybody called Sharesse where in the commissary having lunch. The last time they had seen each other they had slept together but as was common parlance “nothing happened”. Well, nothing physical but something definitely happened.
“No. I mean it, I could use your help with this,” Sharesse was talking about her chemistry class.
“I mean it too. I want you to come up but I'm not that interested in helping you with your chemistry...exactly.” He trailed off and she blushed a little.
She was one of those girls that was beautiful without trying, and when she tried she was stunning. She had tried a little today because she knew she was meeting him for lunch.
“Okay, maybe I could come up later and you could help me with my chemistry first and then we could uh, do some other...uh, stuff...after.”
He couldn't help but smile, actually he beamed. One thing he did have was a winning smile, he smiled with his whole face and a lot of his body too.
She had never really noticed before. She also had a winning smile, people had told her so but his was somehow “bigger.”
They ate in silence for a moment. “I have lab till late,” she said.
“Okay, so like 7 or something?”
“Maybe a little earlier, I meant like 4:30...which isn't late but it's late for me: my classes all end by 2 except for that lab...”
“Oh...”
“But that sounds great...” She smiled at him. “Around seven.”
For Mattidawane the next eight hours passed like eight long eternities, each one longer than the last. He thought about relativity and how much he could get done because he would read and study and look at the clock, no matter how much he read or studied it seemed no time had gone by at all. “I could read War and Peace, this afternoon,” he chuckled to himself.
At 6:43 she appeared at his open door.
They actually studied chemistry for a solid 173 minutes, the nerd in him came out and he lost all track of time, because it was chemistry, but it was her chemistry. Turned out they had chemistry too. They did other stuff, and this time he was well prepared. He even had a well illustrated Kama Sutra by the head of the bed where she could see it. She found this quite amusing and endearing.
After that they were quite the item.
Years passed. Graduation: she was going to study at one university, he at another. The day she left he kept a bold composure and very few tears were shed on his part, but there was lots of long wet hugging. But when she was gone his sat down in his room and cried. They kept in touch. This was before email and texting. The phone bills were sometimes cumbersome. After a year he couldn't stand it anymore and he had a feeling if he didn't do something she would, only he wouldn't like it.
So he got in his car and drove to her house. She saw the car pull up but didn't know who it was. When he got out and gave her that smile of his she cried like a little girl and so did he.
And that was that.
They have kids now and the rest of it is actually kind of boring. I just told you the interesting parts.
It was a nice wedding.
A boy and two girls.
Samsara.
“No. I mean it, I could use your help with this,” Sharesse was talking about her chemistry class.
“I mean it too. I want you to come up but I'm not that interested in helping you with your chemistry...exactly.” He trailed off and she blushed a little.
She was one of those girls that was beautiful without trying, and when she tried she was stunning. She had tried a little today because she knew she was meeting him for lunch.
“Okay, maybe I could come up later and you could help me with my chemistry first and then we could uh, do some other...uh, stuff...after.”
He couldn't help but smile, actually he beamed. One thing he did have was a winning smile, he smiled with his whole face and a lot of his body too.
She had never really noticed before. She also had a winning smile, people had told her so but his was somehow “bigger.”
They ate in silence for a moment. “I have lab till late,” she said.
“Okay, so like 7 or something?”
“Maybe a little earlier, I meant like 4:30...which isn't late but it's late for me: my classes all end by 2 except for that lab...”
“Oh...”
“But that sounds great...” She smiled at him. “Around seven.”
For Mattidawane the next eight hours passed like eight long eternities, each one longer than the last. He thought about relativity and how much he could get done because he would read and study and look at the clock, no matter how much he read or studied it seemed no time had gone by at all. “I could read War and Peace, this afternoon,” he chuckled to himself.
At 6:43 she appeared at his open door.
They actually studied chemistry for a solid 173 minutes, the nerd in him came out and he lost all track of time, because it was chemistry, but it was her chemistry. Turned out they had chemistry too. They did other stuff, and this time he was well prepared. He even had a well illustrated Kama Sutra by the head of the bed where she could see it. She found this quite amusing and endearing.
After that they were quite the item.
Years passed. Graduation: she was going to study at one university, he at another. The day she left he kept a bold composure and very few tears were shed on his part, but there was lots of long wet hugging. But when she was gone his sat down in his room and cried. They kept in touch. This was before email and texting. The phone bills were sometimes cumbersome. After a year he couldn't stand it anymore and he had a feeling if he didn't do something she would, only he wouldn't like it.
So he got in his car and drove to her house. She saw the car pull up but didn't know who it was. When he got out and gave her that smile of his she cried like a little girl and so did he.
And that was that.
They have kids now and the rest of it is actually kind of boring. I just told you the interesting parts.
It was a nice wedding.
A boy and two girls.
Samsara.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Lion Heart, The
I’ve written many stories about the Lion Heart and you may or may not have read this one.
As you well know, the Lion Heart lived on the beach at the edge of the world. It was nowhere near the Florida Keys, depending of course on which dimension you're looking in from, or out from as the case may be, the multiverse being what it is, the center of it is anywhere but not necessarily everywhere and it's kinda the same thing with the beach at the edge of the world because as with the center so with the edges. But enough of that.
There he enjoyed dancing. He danced under the stars, to the music of the waves and wind in the trees. Sometimes he would swim out to the edge of the ocean and look down on the stars. The Lion Heart wondered what would happen if he ever went over the edge and what was down there for him because it was different for every person, if you could call the Lion Heart a person. He thought he’d miss dancing on the beach on the edge of the world if ever he did jump off. After his swim he would run through the dark jungle and stand in the place where cool water cascaded off the rocks. He didn’t like the feeling of salt water after it dried on his skin.
Many times he would pile up sticks and make a fire. Other times he would pile up sticks and fire never came.
He would dance and dance. No ballet dancer or ballerina was ever more graceful than the Lion Heart, nor did one ever jump so high or twiddle their feet as many times. The Lion Heart was very happy there on the beach at the edge of the world.
As you well know, the Lion Heart lived on the beach at the edge of the world. It was nowhere near the Florida Keys, depending of course on which dimension you're looking in from, or out from as the case may be, the multiverse being what it is, the center of it is anywhere but not necessarily everywhere and it's kinda the same thing with the beach at the edge of the world because as with the center so with the edges. But enough of that.
There he enjoyed dancing. He danced under the stars, to the music of the waves and wind in the trees. Sometimes he would swim out to the edge of the ocean and look down on the stars. The Lion Heart wondered what would happen if he ever went over the edge and what was down there for him because it was different for every person, if you could call the Lion Heart a person. He thought he’d miss dancing on the beach on the edge of the world if ever he did jump off. After his swim he would run through the dark jungle and stand in the place where cool water cascaded off the rocks. He didn’t like the feeling of salt water after it dried on his skin.
Many times he would pile up sticks and make a fire. Other times he would pile up sticks and fire never came.
He would dance and dance. No ballet dancer or ballerina was ever more graceful than the Lion Heart, nor did one ever jump so high or twiddle their feet as many times. The Lion Heart was very happy there on the beach at the edge of the world.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
‘Just can’t make love all the time.’
Joe Diamond was playing a honkey tonk joint in Shreveport, Louisiana, when he looked out into the crowd during a slow song. The stage lights were low and the hall lights were up a little bit more than usual, and he saw a myna bird that made him lose his place. She may not have been the best-looking myna bird ever, but she was close. Joe Diamond thought he’d never seen a bird so fine.
Right after that song he took a break to the booing of the crowd. They always booed if he quit playing. If the crowd had its way ol’ Joe Diamond would never take a break and just play all night. It took him awhile to find her because she’d been holding it ‘till he did take a break along with a bunch of other girls and you know how girls can get when they all get in the bathroom together.
Joe Diamond came face to face with her at the back bar. He had no idea what to say.
He wanted to say something like “you're the best looking bird I’ve ever seen,” but the words just wouldn’t come.
“Hey, you’re Joe Diamond,” Betsy Byrd exclaimed upon seeing him up close.
“Hey, you sure are pretty, what’s your name?” Joe Diamond said after a moment’s pause.
“I’m Betsy Byrd.”
“Well pleased to meet you Betsy Baird.”
“No, it’s Byrd, like myna-bird.”
Joe thought he was gonna die. “You make me nervous, I think I’d rather be dancing now...but who’s gonna play if I don’t. You must meet me after so we can go dancing in New Orleans.”
“But I have a boyfriend.”
“He doesn’t love you like I do.” Joe looked her square in the eyes and somehow she knew it was true. The rest, as they, say is history. (Look on the cover it says fiction, you and I both know this would never fly in real life, then again neither should bumble bees).
Three weeks later they were in Midland-Odessa, playing in a joint so small two cigarettes could fog out the place.
“Joe, why don’t you give it up and settle down with me?”
Joe Diamond almost coughed up beer through his nose. “Baby, I was born to play. If I don’t play my feathers will fall off and then I’ll die.”
“When we were in New Orleans and we went dancing weren’t you happy then?”
“Of course: I was with you.”
“Didn’t you tell me there was no place you’d rather be than with me?”
“You know I’d love to try but we can’t make love all the time.”
Six months later Betsy was gone, leaving Joe Diamond with a tear in his eye and a pretty big ding in his bank account. He wrote a song called ‘Just can’t make love all the time.’ And he never went dancing in New Orleans again, unless, of course, he was on stage.
Right after that song he took a break to the booing of the crowd. They always booed if he quit playing. If the crowd had its way ol’ Joe Diamond would never take a break and just play all night. It took him awhile to find her because she’d been holding it ‘till he did take a break along with a bunch of other girls and you know how girls can get when they all get in the bathroom together.
Joe Diamond came face to face with her at the back bar. He had no idea what to say.
He wanted to say something like “you're the best looking bird I’ve ever seen,” but the words just wouldn’t come.
“Hey, you’re Joe Diamond,” Betsy Byrd exclaimed upon seeing him up close.
“Hey, you sure are pretty, what’s your name?” Joe Diamond said after a moment’s pause.
“I’m Betsy Byrd.”
“Well pleased to meet you Betsy Baird.”
“No, it’s Byrd, like myna-bird.”
Joe thought he was gonna die. “You make me nervous, I think I’d rather be dancing now...but who’s gonna play if I don’t. You must meet me after so we can go dancing in New Orleans.”
“But I have a boyfriend.”
“He doesn’t love you like I do.” Joe looked her square in the eyes and somehow she knew it was true. The rest, as they, say is history. (Look on the cover it says fiction, you and I both know this would never fly in real life, then again neither should bumble bees).
Three weeks later they were in Midland-Odessa, playing in a joint so small two cigarettes could fog out the place.
“Joe, why don’t you give it up and settle down with me?”
Joe Diamond almost coughed up beer through his nose. “Baby, I was born to play. If I don’t play my feathers will fall off and then I’ll die.”
“When we were in New Orleans and we went dancing weren’t you happy then?”
“Of course: I was with you.”
“Didn’t you tell me there was no place you’d rather be than with me?”
“You know I’d love to try but we can’t make love all the time.”
Six months later Betsy was gone, leaving Joe Diamond with a tear in his eye and a pretty big ding in his bank account. He wrote a song called ‘Just can’t make love all the time.’ And he never went dancing in New Orleans again, unless, of course, he was on stage.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Beatris
Beatris was a chipmunk who had been tormented by demons, not figurative demons like demons of the mind, but actual nasty grubby demons with bat wings and pointy tails, breathing fire to boot. Beatris was quite sure she was done for, but kept her wits about her anyway.
She had been munching on an acorn, watching the last rays of light fade out over the horizon when a demon plucked her off her log, right by the scruff of her little chipmunk neck.
She was caught utterly off guard.
The demons pulled her tail and singed her toes with their hot breath. Beatris squeaked her displeasure. Then they put her in a little brass cage. Beatris noted immediately that the bars were too wide and escape would be easy. Being clever and sharp-witted Beatris bided her time.
The demons were ranting about witch’s stew and starting to raise a ruckus as Beatris slipped out of the cave the demons had kidnapped her to. A witch was yelling:
“I said ‘woodchuck’, you idiots!”
Beatris ran like screaming demons all the way back to the forest. She got back just in time for sunrise.
“Beautiful ssunrisse, aye Beatrisss?” Sammy snake said.
Beatris took a deep breath of crisp morning air.
“You have no idea.”
She had been munching on an acorn, watching the last rays of light fade out over the horizon when a demon plucked her off her log, right by the scruff of her little chipmunk neck.
She was caught utterly off guard.
The demons pulled her tail and singed her toes with their hot breath. Beatris squeaked her displeasure. Then they put her in a little brass cage. Beatris noted immediately that the bars were too wide and escape would be easy. Being clever and sharp-witted Beatris bided her time.
The demons were ranting about witch’s stew and starting to raise a ruckus as Beatris slipped out of the cave the demons had kidnapped her to. A witch was yelling:
“I said ‘woodchuck’, you idiots!”
Beatris ran like screaming demons all the way back to the forest. She got back just in time for sunrise.
“Beautiful ssunrisse, aye Beatrisss?” Sammy snake said.
Beatris took a deep breath of crisp morning air.
“You have no idea.”
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